CALLER:
Is this Gordon's Pizza?
GOOGLE:
No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER:
I must have dialled a wrong number.
GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza.
CALLER:
OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER:
My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times
you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three
cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs.
CALLER:
OK! That’s what I want ...
GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza
with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and
olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust.
CALLER:
What? I detest vegetable!
GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER:
How the hell do you know!
GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number
with your medical records. We have the result of
your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza!
I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken
your medication regularly. According to our database,
you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets
once, at Walgreens, 4 months ago.
CALLER:
I bought more from another drugstore.
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER:
I paid in cash.
GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash
according to your bank statement.
CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return
unless you bought them using an undeclared income
source, which is against the law.
CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL!
GOOGLE:
I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only
with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER:
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook,
Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an
island without internet, cable TV, where there is no
cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE:
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first.
It expired 6 weeks ago...